Of smeg heads and sickness
by LittleBritainFanatic
Summary: When the Cat gets seriously ill, the nature of his and Lister's relationship finally comes to light. CatLister.


Cat was sick. He'd known it for days. How could he not realise that something was wrong with his perfect body when his nose was bunged up, making his whole face hideously puffy and swollen?

That was only a small part of it, though, for he struggled to keep his eyes open, they were so achy. His heavy limbs hurt to move, and his chest was far too tight to breathe comfortably. What confused him the most was how he kept shivering, even though Red Dwarf was usually comfortably warm. It just didn't make sense. Cool cats like him just didn't get sick.

He tried to think exactly when it had started as he trudged along a corridor, none of his usual flamboyance in his stride. But his head seemed to be full of something unpleasant, and he couldn't think straight.

Every step he took seemed to take extreme effort, but Cat stared ahead determinedly, telling himself he'd reach a food dispenser soon. Which was when it occurred to the wobbly Cat - he wasn't hungry. Now, that was strange.

Suddenly, the corridor lurched sideways, and Cat stumbled into a wall, trying to keep his balance. He was incredibly nauseous, and had to clamp his lips shut to stop himself throwing up and ruining his suit. Breathing slowing through his nose, Cat leaned back weakly against the wall, his eyes half shut. Sweat dripped off of his off colour skin, and blood drummed in his ears. He could just about work out the shape of a mirror in front of him, but Cat, for the first time ever, didn't try to admire his reflection. Which might have been because the whole corridor faded in and out of focus whenever he opened his aching eyes.

The dizziness still wouldn't ease, but he knew sitting down on this floor would ruin the seat of his trousers, so Cat continued to stand, waiting it out. He whimpered, feeling dreadful. He was sure, in this state, no lady cats would go for him in his right mind. But then Cat remembered Lister, and sighed, realising he was getting delirious. Why in the universe would he want a lady cat when he had Lister?

Dave Lister, or Monkey, as he was affectionately known, was what the Cat could only describe ad his boyfriend. Of course, Cat loved himself more than anything else in the world, but Lister was as close to a real partner as he could get, and, he had to admit, the Monkey came a very close second. Whenever he was around Lister, Cat felt safe, and oddly protective of the human when Rimmer annoyed him. Lister had made him keep their relationship a secret, but that never stopped Cat hissing malicously at the hologram when he offended his Lister.

S, right now, he wanted Lister more than anything. Even more than a new pair of shoes. He wanted to stop feeling so lousy and get his usual amazing attitude back. He wanted to be safe and comfortable in his cabin with Lister sneaking in to keep him company. He wanted to be any where but here, near collapse in a corridor miles away from his cabin.

His throat hurting, Cat quickly wiped a tear from his face, hoping nothing had seen it. But it turned out someone had.

"Are you crying, Cat?" The nonchalant voice of Holly, the computer, filled Cat's aching ears. His voice was a mixture of caution and sarcasm.

Without looking at the screen, Cat found his voice, but it was hoarse and slurred. "Of course not!" He snapped, before coughing heavily, the force of his coughs making his chest hurt.

Holly clearly didn't believe him, and changed the subject. "Are you okay, though, 'cause you look awful."Despite looking like it would, Holly's comment didn't sound remotely sympathetic: he was just stating the facts.

"I feel... it, dude, like I've... lost my mojo." Cat shivered badly, which made him stammer and trip up on his words. He sounded drunk.

Holly cocked his head to one side, eyeing the Cat closely. "Should I get Dave?" Holly, unlike Kryten and Rimmer, knew about the relationship between Cat and the human, but that was only because he accidentally saw the pair making out, an image he had to wipe from his hard drive. Even so, Holly still knew that Lister cared immensely about the Cat, and would want to help him.

But Cat didn't get the opportunity to answer. Doubling over - not even stopping to think about the creases he was making in his suit - Cat cradled his aching stomach, so nauseated he couldn't bear it. And before he could stop himself, the Cat retched violently, before vomiting all over his shoes and most of the floor.

"Cat?" There was a sense of urgency in Holly's voice.

Cat never heard him; the blood drumming in his ears blocked out all sounds, except the sound of his continuous heaves and retches. It didn't take long for Cat's weak body to give up: his trembling knees buckled and he fell to the floor with a thud.

He was so dizzy...the corridor was spinning...he couldn't breathe...He felt like he was going to die! That was when he truly panicked, but Cat was so weak he barely made a sound.

"Help." Was all the Cat managed to croak.

And then he passed out, his head lolling lifelessly against the dusty floor.

* * *

><p>If he had a panic mode, Holly went into it at that moment. He'd seen the crew members ill and injured countless times, but never this level of pain, of fear, of total and utter despair. When the Cat fainted, Holly knew he had to do something, and fast.<p>

"Emergency! There's an emergency going on!"

He initiated red alert, feeling as scared as a senile computer possibly could. Holly knew that he was never this compassionate, but he didn't have t have an IQ of 7 to work out that the Cat may have been dying. But there was one small problem that Holly found: Red alert was malfunctioning.

"It's still going on!"

Sighing heavily, Holly realised he was going to have to do things the hard way. Why did noting on this three million year old ship ever work?

So he set about finding the right room, until, eventually, Holly reached the room shared by Dave and Arnold. And popped up on the screen without checking first to see if he was interrupting anything first. As it turned out, they had been watching a crappy romantic film beforehand. Or, rather, Lister and been watching it and Rimmer had been doing his exercises in protest against Lister's choice of movie. But anyway, Lister wasn't very impressed by Holly's unannounced arrival.

"Oh, Holly, I was smegging watching that!" Lister moaned, throwing a handful of popcorn at the screen.

Offended, Holly said, under his breath, "All I was going to say was that Cat's collapsed, but never mind." And he faded from the screen as quickly as he had arrived. Holly knew just how to irritate Dave - and it worked.

"What!?" Lister yelled. "Holly? please come back." His heart pounded - had Holly really just said that?

Looking smug, Holly reappeared. "I wanted to tell you that the Cat's collapsed, and looks really ill, Dave."

"Oh, smeg!" Lister cried, jumping to his feet. "Where is he?"

"Why so worried about the Cat, Lister?" Rimmer asked, following Lister out of the room.

Lister ignored Rimmer, focusing on Holly's directions. It turned out Cat was over a mile away, but Lister still broke into a run, wanting to get there as fast as he could. Realising how unfit he was, Lister nursed a stitch in his side as he ran, struggling to breathe. He really needed to stop smoking.

Rimmer kept up a steady pace behind him, totally confused. "Lister, I said-"

"Yeah, I know," Lister panted. "And I say...I'm just...worried a...about Cat 'cause...he's...he's," Lister had to stop, gasping for breath.

"He's what?" Rimmer prompted impatiently, either oblivious to, or not caring about, Lister's inability to breathe.

When he'd slowed his heart rate down, Lister managed to say, "One of the boys from the dwarf!" He performed the hand gesture, grinning. He was certainly glad Rimmer had called his bluff.

As they continued their run, Rimmer knew that Lister had lied - he was one of the boys from the dwarf too, but Lister didn't give a smeg about him. Something had to be up.

He realised this was the case when they rounded a corner, and Lister saw the Cat, unconscious, and lying in a pool of his own vomit. Whilst Rimmer fought the urge to throw up himself, Lister hurtled towards him, looking terrified.

"Cat, man," Lister whispered, shaking the Cat's shoulder. He got no response. Lister turned to Rimmer, showing the hologram that he had tears in his eyes. "Why won't he wake up?" He sounded just like a child, proving a rare feeling of sadness inside Rimmer.

"He's sick, Dave." Holly added, smiling as Kryten runded the corner. "But he should be okay."

Kryten approached the three of them, wheeling a stretcher in front of him. "What happened to Mr Cat, sirs?" He asked, crouching down beside Cat, on the opposite side to Lister. As he did, Kryten distinctly saw that Lister had a tight grip on Cat's limp hand, their fingers interlocked.

"I don't know," Lister said shakily, trying to hold back tears. Suddenly turning to the screen on the wall, he asked, "What happened, Hol?"

The computer sighed. "I don't really know, Dave. But I saw Cat go really dizzy, and he had to lean against the wall to steady himself..." Holly went into an overly graphic description of what had happened to the Cat, making Rimmer holo-vomit and Lister whimper, as if in pain himself.

As Holly spoke, Kryten gave cat a scan to identify what was wrong with him, and announced it as soon as it was quiet again. "Mr Cat appears to be suffering from a highly mutated strain of tuberculosis-"

He was cut off as Lister cried, "Is he okay though, I mean properly, not going to die sort of okay?" He was so het up it sounded almost like a threat. Lister hunched forwards, resting his face against Cat's blazer, and breathing in his scent.

"Is he going mad?" Rimmer asked, confused.

"I don't believe so, sir," Kryten added, resting a hand on Lister's back. "It seems that Mr Lister is just very worried, and, I mean, why wouldn't he be when Mr Cat-"

"You mean you know too, Kryten?" Holly cut him off, looking oddly excited.

"Know what, sir?" Kryten and Rimmer shared a look.

"That Cat and Dave are-"

"Holly! Shut up!" Lister yelled, sitting up hurriedly. His eyes were full of tears. "How do _you_ even know?"

"Know what?" Rimmer added, looking extremely put out. "I order you all to tell me what is going on."

Lister sighed. Instead of bothering so say anything, he simply planted a soft kiss on the Cat's clammy forehead. Luckily, Rimmer understood.

"What? You and the Cat. That's disgusting. Ugh." Rimmer grimaced, entirely predictable.

"You see, this is exactly why I made Cat swear not to say anything, 'cause I knew you'd be a homophobic little smeg head who'd be..." Lister trailed off, beginning to sob openly. Trying to cover his face with his free hand, Lister turned away, humiliated.

Kryten looked near tears himself. "Please, Mr Lister, sir, don't cry." Kryten patted Lister's back as best as he could, hoping it was reassuring him. "I only know because I went to give Mr Cat his breakfast one morning and you were asleep in his bed with him. I'm sorry, sir."

"And I only know because I saw you two kissing one time." Holly added, trying to hide a shudder.

Lister suddenly stood up, and grabbed the stretcher. "We-we need to take Cat to the medi-bay." His monotonous voice was barely above a whisper, and he looked nowhere but at Cat's lifeless form.

"Of course, sir," Kryten lifted the Catinto his arms, and them onto the stretcher, where Lister immediately took his hand again.

The sudden movement seemed to do something to the Cat, because he gave a soft groan and opened his eyes, but slowly, as if it took a massive amount of effort. "Buddy?" He croaked, his chest burning.

Lister grinned widely, his eyes lighting up. "Cat man, you're awake!" He kissed Cat's cheek, remembering that his mouth would still taste like sick.

"How do you feel, sir?" Kryten asked.

"How do you... think I feel, novelty...condom head?" Cat's sarcastic comment was punctuated by hideously chesty coughs. "My suit's ruined and I must look smegging awful."

As he was hit by another hideous coughing fit, Lister helped Cat up into a sitting position, and rubbed his back to help it pass.

"You'll be okay, man." Lister repeated it like a mantra, but no one believed him.

Rimmer, who'd been standing out of the way, spotted something and crept forwards, his eyes wide. "Is that blood?" He asked, pointing at Cat's face.

Lister and Kryten both looked, and saw blood trickling out of the Cat's mouth. As he coughed again, Cat suddenly felt a massive amount of blood spray from his mouth, which splattered everything in front of him. He then flopped back against Lister, feeling it dribble down his chin.

"What the smeg?!" Lister yelled, turning Cat's head and looking straight into his eyes. "Don't die, man, please don't die."

"This is worse than I thought," Kryten thought aloud. "We need to get him to the medibay right now, sirs."

Determined not to let the Cat go, Lister got onto the stretcher too, keeping Cat in a sitting position so he couldn't choke on the blood. Wrapping his legs around the stretcher for stability, Lister told Kryten to push the stretcher, and they headed off to the medical bay. All the while, Lister stroked Cat's face, getting his hand covered in blood, whilst holding the Cat's hand as though keeping hold of him tightly enough would stop Cat from dying.


End file.
